I had a powerful conversation with my coach yesterday. (Yes, professional coaches have their own coaches.) I was feeling confused and overwhelmed. I feared that I had said yes to more projects than I could handle. I wondered if I could do any of them well when my focus was so scattered. I had just published a book and wondered if it was any good. I was momentarily overcome with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. Before the coaching session, I sat on my front porch as the sun rose and tried hard to access my inner wisdom.
I realized that “finding my inner wisdom” had become a goal for me. Something to be attained. Like everything else in our go-go culture, it seemed like something that I need to strive for and achieve. My coach reminded me of the truth that I am wisdom. I don’t need to do anything to access it. There is no “accessing” it. The only thing that blinds me to the truth that I am wisdom is my personal thinking.
Insecurity and Self-Doubt aren't something you overcome
I realized that I was striving to overcome my insecurity and self-doubt. I thought that when I accessed my wisdom, I would know what to do. It was all about doing and not about being.
Trying hard to access inner wisdom leads you back to your personal egoic thinking that tells you there is something outside of yourself that you need to do. My coach reflected that he saw how powerful I am but I stop myself and limit my power. I then divide up the small amount of power that is available to me to all of my projects and ventures. What is the source of my power? What is the source of your power? Wisdom. Not knowledge, wisdom.
Wisdom is the intelligence of life that grows my fingernails, grows my eyebrows to a certain length, turns acorns into oak trees, grows babies from single cells. This is the wisdom that is living as the activity of Caprice. When I strive to access wisdom or wait for a download of wisdom, I am stuck in my personal thinking. When I relax and allow myself to be wisdom, I am guided in every moment.
Believing your thinking makes your feel insecure
Our conversation was rich and meandering as great coaching conversations are. Our souls spoke to each other. It wasn’t a conversation between our limited human brains. We explored the ideas of creativity, wisdom, and power. We touched on some disempowering stories that I continued to believe. Once again, I was reminded that the only thing that is limiting me is my thinking. Thinking that produces powerful negative feelings is super sticky and feels so real. Thank goodness it is not real.
When I think that I am this limited physical being, then I get caught up in all of the negative thinking that is produced by my human brain. When I step back and rest in the wisdom I am, then the negative thinking looks comical. My insecurity and self-doubt look like a cosmic joke.
Who you truly are cannot experience insecurity or self-doubt
Later in the day, while I was working out, I listened to a talk by non-duality teacher Rupert Spira. He reminded me that I am not a separate being. I am not a thing. I am an activity of Mind. When you change your frame of reference from “Caprice, a person” to “Caprice, an activity of the wisdom of life”, then life becomes a cosmic game. You cannot possibly take yourself so seriously. You are being lived by a life force that is beyond your imagination.
The conversation with my coach that morning and the talk by Rupert Spira swirled around in the background of my mind. As I woke the next day, I felt the peace and joy of greeting a new day as an expression of the wisdom of life. What adventures are in store for this life activity I call Caprice today? How can I greet each moment with a beginner’s mind? Can I see that Caprice has distinct preferences and the infinite awareness that I truly am does not? Can I greet every experience with non-judgmental awareness and joy?
I will enjoy this day moving from neutral awareness into the personal thinking of Caprice and back again. I will get caught in the drama of my thinking and then remind myself that I am not that. I will take Caprice too seriously and then I will remember and laugh out loud. The ego that is Caprice will always experience insecurity and self-doubt. The activity of Caprice will only experience insecurity and self-doubt when attention is placed on insecure thinking and I step into the role of Caprice and believe that thinking.
Who do you think you are? I am are the two most powerful words you can think or utter.
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